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I had salt and vinegar chips and French onion dip for breakfast yesterday.
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Oh, and three Oreos. Breakfast of champions.
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The rest of the day was no better?I ?accidentally? ate a pint of that new Ben & Jerry?s Greek frozen yogurt. There was also a piece of pizza and a rich pasta dish that I found a recipe for on Pinterest. To say I was in rare form would be an understatement.
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I have been overweight my entire life (except for the year I was skinny) and I?ve had a lot of time to think about why I do what I do. The main two things I?ve been able to come up with are:
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1) I?m sabotaging myself. There is a huge part of me that finds comfort in being overweight. It?s all I?ve really ever known. Even though I am uncomfortable, unhealthy and embarrassed, being thin is even scarier because I just remember feeling like I was living in a body that wasn?t my own. People do treat you differently and after years of being treated a certain way, I was actually hurt and mad when people were nicer to the skinny me.
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2) I am addicted to food. This is the only way I know how to explain why I keep eating like I do. It is not as easy as just eating everything in moderation; my brain doesn?t understand that concept when it comes to certain food. Most times, I am better off not eating those trigger foods at all because once they cross my lips, it?s all over. When I read about how drug addicts act, I feel like I am reading about myself with food.
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Unfortunately (or fortunately), I feel like I?m finally at that point where I have to lose weight. I am bigger than I have ever been and I?m crossing in to dangerous territory. When I was younger I just wanted to lose weight and look good, but my intentions are a little more wholesome this time. I want to be HEALTHY. As we?ve already discussed, I am afraid of dying ? and I know that what I?m doing right now is a form of slow suicide. How can someone who is so afraid of dying continue to contribute to their demise every single day?
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Also, it is so weird for me to say this, but I want to have a kid. I am almost 29, and while I know that this isn?t ?old,? I also know that I need to get my shit together if I want to have a healthy pregnancy within the next few years. I refuse to get pregnant while I am so unhealthy because I feel like that is just inviting in a whole host of complications. Gestational diabetes doesn?t really do it for me, ya know? I also have selfish motives ? I want people to actually know that I am pregnant. I don?t want people wondering if I?m pregnant or if I just got fatter. I want it to be a wonderful experience.
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So where does that leave me today, fresh off the heels of yesterday?s junk food binge? It?s another day and another opportunity to try again. I think it?s important not to let one ?bad day? completely derail your efforts. I woke up this morning and actually measured the sugar and milk that went in my coffee and my breakfast was impressively healthy. I can?t tell you how the rest of the day is going to play out, but I can tell you that right now, I?m trying my best to stay in control. That?s all I can do.
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Comments (3)3 Responses to ?A Weighty Issue?
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Source: http://www.stratejoy.com/2012/10/a-weighty-issue/
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